Olly Writes

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On Domestic Abuse…

This post is most certainly off-topic. But, this is my blog after all. I’ve been ‘umming’ and ‘ahhhing’ for the last week about whether or not I should post it here and it’s taken me until now (22.30 on Friday night) to be able to sit down and to formulate this. Domestic abuse is a subject that’s very close to my heart. I’ll only go as far as to say that I’ve seen too much of it in my brief lifetime. One thing I am certain of is that there is no reason for it and, even where there is an excuse, well, I think you have to then ask yourself what the true definition of that word is because it cannot form an answer that would stand up in a court of law.

I’m going to write my response to recent revelations within the media as to the true nature of Charles Saatchi‘s character within a relationship with Nigella Lawson. If you do not wish to read on, that’s absolutely fine and I promise to make my next post about working with wood. 😉

So, I’ve managed to go since 2006 without picking up a newspaper to read it thoroughly. I don’t want the national news, I try to ignore ‘headlines’ that appear on the radio stations, on the hour and I’ve even stopped living my life around a weekday evening routine that used to involve stopping to watch the local news at 18.30. There’s only so much we can take and, in my opinion, there’s an awful lot that we do not need to know. I only caught wind of the recent Saatchi-Lawson story because someone had left one of the national ‘papers lying on the kitchen table and, as I walked past, the words were there to grab my attention, along with a photo clearly showing his hands around her neck.

In another news article on Yahoo, I later read an article from Saatchi’s side, stating that it wasn’t being physically violent with her and that she didn’t make an emotional escape with the children. It’s rare for any abusive person (male or female) to admit to their law-breaking mistakes. Sometimes, I wonder whether they can honestly see the wrong in how they choose to react. I’m not a fan of the way in which the media invades private lives but I make exception for this. I think they’ve gone some way towards making amends for exposing the b*****d for the violent, controlling c**t he really is.

What really got to me last weekend was the opening paragraph in the following article:

http://uk.news.yahoo.com/charles-saatchi-files-divorce-row-022705613.html?bcmt_s=m#RaECOeX

Yet again, an abusive control-freak gets to make the final call! I’d assume it’s all in aid of his ‘profile’ and ‘reputation’ (seriously, I’ve no idea what he’s famous for, other than for being Nigella’s husband) but why should he get to make out as though it’s his call, when his other-half has possibly suffered far more in this relationship than we shall ever know… Someone he would’ve sworn to protect, on the day they walked down the aisle together. There are many words and quotes from the b*****d within that article that set my brain to boil.

In an ideal world, I’d like to think that Nigella Lawson would be able to find the strength now to come up and out in to the public to stand proud against this monster, in support of every other victim of domestic abuse within this country; perhaps also the rest of the world. From the little I’ve read and seen, I don’t doubt that he has abused her and, because of that, I imagine the reality to be that this woman is in fact terrified of speaking out. She might have suffered more pain than she cares to remember and yet, it’s all still so fresh in her mind. She may even feel a sense of ’embarrassment’, perhaps also suffering from symptoms of low self-esteem, having suffered at the hands of an abusive partner for any amount of time.

A lot of people assume that abuse is merely physical violence when, in fact, it often begins with verbal insults. That’s not always the case but it can also extend to control of a person’s finances, unreasonable demands on their social life (bought on by paranoid thoughts of an insecure mind), a necessity to constantly check up on their partner’s activities and whereabouts and not forgetting sexual abuse (which, without consent, can be as criminal as rape). Plenty more are available on Google. It can be hard for a victim to see that what they’re receiving is unfair. After a time, this form of ‘punishment’ can be seen as acceptable by someone on the receiving end. In my opinion, there is both a fear of staying within a dangerous, unhealthy relationship and also, a fear of leaving in to a life of loneliness and isolation… But, how ever cold, dark and dim the outside world may appear, it will surely carry less danger. You will carry less fear and you will always have friends to stand by you.

An abusive person can apologise as many times as they like but that alone will not stop their behaviour from continuing, on and on. THEY need to accept that they are in the wrong and to seek and to want professional help of their own accord.

Ask yourself this… What is the difference between an argument (perhaps formed over a disagreement) and an insult?

That’s domestic abuse.

Even if other revelations about Nigella’s own abusive actions towards Saatchi are true, that still does not justify his behaviour. There is no reason for him to react in such away. Yet again, it would only be an EXCUSE that carries no weight. Like an IOU written on a plain sheet of paper; it only flutters away in a gentle breeze when the time comes to call it in.

I’m chosen to write and publish this on my personal blog because I’d like to raise awareness and to spread the word. If a friend or family member approaches you with claims that sound ‘outrageous’ with regards to something their partner has said or done… Please, just listen to them. Do not make a judgement because there’s a risk that they will only reach out to you the once.

I have aspirations to write as soon as my time with woodworking comes to an end this year (or, at the very least; to keep me busy through the cold winter months). It’ seems highly likely that I will attempt to produce an eBook, offering advice to other ‘witnesses’; for those who are the friends and family of someone suffering undeserved pain and torture.

It’s real and I thank you for reading.

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6 responses to “On Domestic Abuse…

  1. Hilton J Ralphs 13/07/2013 at 09:17

    Domestic abuse can never be condoned. Thanks for writing about it.

  2. Ellis Hein 13/07/2013 at 19:31

    Thank you for your thoughtful post. I also had some thoughts that I posted on this subject or at least kin to this subject, that I am taking the opportunity to suggest you might want to look at. Again, you can ignore my posting if you wish, but if you want to see it, go to http://heinfamilyenterprises.com/2013/06/17/emptiness-or-substance/

    Ellis Hein

    • Olly Parry-Jones 21/07/2013 at 17:26

      Thank you, Ellis. I greatly appreciate your response and I am now finally on my way to reading your own post.

    • Olly Parry-Jones 21/07/2013 at 17:43

      It looks as though you’ve since decided to close comments on this particular post, which I can respect, but I want you to know that I enjoyed reading it and that I agree with many of your own beliefs and your understanding. I also like your use of analogies in this post to help to add further clarity.

      • Ellis Hein 22/07/2013 at 13:13

        I have comments set to close after 14 days because I was getting a lot of spam on old posts. However, I do appreciate you taking the trouble to read my post and to send me the comment.

I welcome your thoughts.

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